I recently gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy! He is my world and is the biggest distraction…hence why I have not updated this blog in some time. There is still much more I would like to write about but at the moment my priorities…and perspectives…have changed dramatically. In fact…I think having my son has changed me as a person already…so much for the better.
Having my little boy was pretty traumatic…the pregnancy, labour and childbirth, and post partum! People say you forget! As I am still recovering months later, it seems that my memory is still pretty much in tact…however, despite my initial insistence that I would never have another, I am already starting to think about a younger brother or sister for my little man. Not for a little while yet though!
After childbirth, my hormones went crazy. I knew this was normal as people had warned me…but there was no way I could have been prepared for the turbulent emotions that followed. As elated as I was to have this miracle in my arms, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the responsibility we had suddenly undertaken. This little person, this vulnerable little baby, NEEDED me to survive. Everything he experiences from now on, good or bad, will essentially trail back to me…as I/we decided to create this new life. I imagined my baby’s life…which ultimately led me to acknowledge my own mortality…as well as his. I even thought about my son as an old man…and at this point he was barely a week old. I couldn’t bear the idea that I wouldn’t be around for him forever! Now, I knew in my rational mind that this is the way life works and that hopefully he would have his own family to love him at this point, but it didn’t make the thoughts any less painful. I imagined somebody hurting my child…and it triggered hysterical crying.
I’m not going to lie, my family and I thought that I may have been vulnerable to post natal depression as I had such negative ideas in my mind. However, as the weeks passed, and my hormones settled, I seemed to go back to normal. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t still have disturbing images in my mind, but I can, for the most part, shake them out of my head! Still, I am aware that I need to treasure every moment with my little boy…and believe me…I value every second! I was removing his socks from the airer a few days ago when I flashed ahead to putting washing away as an older lady, when my child was grown up. I imagined looking back to the memory of folding my baby’s socks and smiled. I would not want to look back and have any regrets about not appreciating my son while he’s little! I also appreciate that I need to start looking after myself a lot more so I can increase my chances of being around for him!
Having my little boy, from now on let’s call him Ethan, has made me reflect on my childhood so much more…as well as the work experiences I hinted at in earlier posts! I can see things with so much more clarity and feel a mixture of emotions about my life so far! I know that right now my life is wonderful…he has made me happier than I thought possible. In fact, the only regret I have is that I could not have had him earlier…that I threw myself into a career that exploited and failed to appreciate me. I believed that having a career would fulfill me…but I was wrong! I never understood these people who were happy just to be Mums… (not the sitting on Facebook all day type Mums…the proper ones who spend time interacting with and nurturing their children) …but now I do! This is now all I want to do with my life…be the best mum I can be. I can’t believe how, already, I’m a willing passenger in my own life, putting Ethan’s needs before my own. I actually enjoy it! He is my life!
While I was pregnant, I heard so many horror stories about how having children changes your life, apparently not for the better. I heard how kids make you lose your identity, mess up your home, cause you stress etc! Somebody even told me that my life was over! I imagine all of those things are true to a point (except the last one) …but I love it! My job is to hopefully raise a kind, well mannered, secure, loved, intelligent, sensitive, hard working person who will one day be a happy, successful man! I have heard how ‘girls are for life and boys are yours until they get a wife!’ Well, as much as I can imagine it will be hard to let go…I fully respect that men usually become husbands and fathers. I hope that my little man grows up to look after his family the way his daddy looks after us! I do hope that there is still room for me within his life though. People make everything seem so depressing and gloomy but I don’t feel my life is over…I feel like it is beginning!